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Sunday, May 31, 2009

a bearable lightness of being

It's a reflection of the flash in her eyes, of course. She's not actually demonic . . . though I do sometimes say her name is "Sadie, short for Sadist," because of how she used to bite down too hard when she had her puppy teeth.
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It's been way too heavy lately. I was going through a self-indulgent "nobody likes me" state of mind, thanks in part to a series of frustrating and unsuccessful auditions (as well was a few auditions I didn't get called about that I don't understand). But then something outside of me really shook me:

On the day before my 39th birthday, someone very close to me passed away.

I won't go into details on this. I've tried to -- typed it, erased it, typed it again, erased it again. Too heavy. I'll leave it at this for now: the world is a better place for having her in it.

And recently I performed an Iago monologue for an audition. Just awful. Horrible. I said all the words right, I chewed the scenery, but there wasn't anything behind it. I couldn't bring it. I just didn't want to "be there."

So I stared in the mirror and I gazed at my navel, and then remembered that the me that I like is more accurately represented by this than by Iago:

I've been too much the angst-y teenager lately. My apologies.

Soon, assuming things work out okee-dokee, I'll be telling you about my upcoming show for the Fringe festival.