Sunday, May 31, 2009

a bearable lightness of being

It's a reflection of the flash in her eyes, of course. She's not actually demonic . . . though I do sometimes say her name is "Sadie, short for Sadist," because of how she used to bite down too hard when she had her puppy teeth.

It's been way too heavy lately. I was going through a self-indulgent "nobody likes me" state of mind, thanks in part to a series of frustrating and unsuccessful auditions (as well was a few auditions I didn't get called about that I don't understand). But then something outside of me really shook me:

On the day before my 39th birthday, someone very close to me passed away.

I won't go into details on this. I've tried to -- typed it, erased it, typed it again, erased it again. Too heavy. I'll leave it at this for now: the world is a better place for having her in it.

And recently I performed an Iago monologue for an audition. Just awful. Horrible. I said all the words right, I chewed the scenery, but there wasn't anything behind it. I couldn't bring it. I just didn't want to "be there."

So I stared in the mirror and I gazed at my navel, and then remembered that the me that I like is more accurately represented by this than by Iago:

I've been too much the angst-y teenager lately. My apologies.

Soon, assuming things work out okee-dokee, I'll be telling you about my upcoming show for the Fringe festival.